I was 35 when I bought my first vibrator and I wish that I had had one from a much younger age! If you have never used or owned a pleasure device and you are thinking about it, please trust me when I say that owning a vibrator is an empowering experience. Generally speaking, women are not taught that our sexuality is an important element of our identity. Female sexuality in the entertainment industry is rarely celebrated and sex scenes are pretty much always focused on male pleasure. In real life, the (little) sex education provided covers mainly reproduction and STIs but doesn’t delve deep into the psyche of sex, relationships, sensuality, and sexuality.  Oh, and of course, menopause is never mentioned (!).

I know from personal experience that tapping into my sexual energy was a confidence booster, and restored my physical and mental health. I believe that it helps to maintain emotional resilience and it shouldn’t be a secret!!  Sadly, many women don’t discover this until they are well and truly much older and burnt out or worse, never realise their full sexual and sensual potential.  Embracing your sexuality is truly a ‘stop and smell the roses’ moment in life.  Trust me, you want to create for yourself a lifetime of deathbed memories that will have you go out with a smile!

The Maven - Before and after

Own your sexuality, it belongs to you forever. – Susan Jarvis, The Maven

Look at me, the image on the left is me aged 34 and the image on the right at 51!  The changes in my life didn’t happen overnight but they did happen. If you’re looking for a change in your life and don’t know where to start I suggest exploring your sexuality and sensuality by investing in quality pleasure toys as an investment in you. We all deserve pleasure.

What’s the best vibrator for older women and how do you choose the vibrator that’s right for me? 

I can help answer that. Firstly, let’s all admit that we have in our head our very own ‘wank bank’ or orgasmic fantasy.  Do you know yours? Such as intimacy that is soft and gentle or perhaps pushing your boundaries into areas such as submission or domination? Knowing what your orgasmic fantasy is – or what I like to call ‘orgasmic preference’ –  will help you determine if you prefer a pleasure device that is realistic looking or one that is modern with a contemporary aesthetic designed for pleasure and one that also suits your physical needs (comfortable to hold).

Your orgasmic preference will also influence features such as size and vibration intensity. Do you prefer just clitoral stimulation or do you want to experience vaginal stimulation or both?  There’s no right or wrong approach in how to experience pleasure though it’s important to consider preferences as part of your purchasing decision.  Let’s face it, you should get the best bang for your buck – and that’s not just a well-deserved pun!

What’s the difference between a dildo and a vibrator?

That’s a good question.  Traditionally, a dildo is a phallic-shaped instrument that does not contain any mechanisms to create vibration whereas a vibrator contains a motor and requires power to operate.

Interesting fact: Dildos have been around for thousands of years!!  Don’t believe me? Just Google it.

Are sex toys safe for my body?

Just like you wouldn’t inject yourself with disinfectant to fight COVID-19 (thank you to Trump for that one), you shouldn’t place anything in your body that is made of harmful materials. We have detailed advice about materials and cleaning of your pleasure toys which you can read here: https://www.thespicyboudoir.com/cleaning-toys-and-bodysafe/

WARNING: if the product you are considering says ‘For novelty use only’ – DO NOT use it internally! It will not be constructed out of body-safe materials such as medical-grade silicone and could contain harmfulchemicals. 

To vibrate or not to vibrate? That is the question.

It ‘comes’ down to your preference but when you spend your dollar I recommend pursuing value in a device that serves both functions, that way you can choose to use it as your mood suits.

There are literally thousands of products on the market, to save you time and energy I have curated a range of products for you to consider.

Penis inspired play

You can’t go past the opportunity to experience a quality-made dildo that incorporates temperature play!

The RealRock range by Shots allows you to microwave these dildos or put them in your fridge/freezer to step up your pleasure time to a whole new level! What a brilliant idea!

They come (oh, there’s a pun!) in different sizes…from 6” up to 9.5”





RealRock Flesh dildo cock Thermal Reactive

The range from Femme Funn takes Nature’s design of the penis and puts a spin on your G-spot exploration with a 360 rotating head that is sure to tickle your fancy. We can’t see evolution changing the design of the human penis to match this in the near future but you never know!

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Turbo Rabbit Vortex by Femme Funn

Sculpted to replicate the human body. Its realistic feel and sculpted g-spot precision will bring you to life with 8 vibration modes and 360 degree motion.

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Modern with a contemporary, aesthetic feel

There are so many beautifully designed products out there, far better than what was available 20 years ago.

One of my all-time favourites is the Queen by Zalo. The design is reminiscent of ancient Egypt and the form and function of the pleasure device is not a ‘one fits all’ approach. Now that’s clever!

RealRock Flesh dildo cock Thermal Reactive

Sculpted to replicate the human body. Its realistic feel and sculpted g-spot precision will bring you to life with 8

The Queen allows for enjoyment in multiple ways. With a motor in the shaft and pulsating plate in the tip, you can dial the intensity up or down and switch the vibration patterns so that you can tailor it to your orgasmic preference. Slip-on the silicone sleeve and the vibrator converts to a device that will suckle your clitoris or nipples, whichever turns you on the most!

The Queen by Zalo G-spot pleasure

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Big Boss G5 by Fun Factory

From the small and delicate Volito to the large Big Boss G5 for that ‘filled’ sensation in your vagina or anus, Fun Factory is one of the original product developers and their products are of the highest quality. They have even developed a range of self-thrusting vibrators (the Stronic range), who would have thought of that?! Only a company that thinks outside the box, that’s who.

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Direct Clitoral stimulation

The wonders of technology are truly amazing and We-Vibe has set the benchmark when it comes to pleasure technology. Introducing The Melt…it will have you melting between the legs.

Secondary features are the wireless control via an app on your phone meaning that your partner could be part of your pleasure play even if they are on the other side of the world.

The Melt by We-Vibe

The only Pleasure Air™ stimulator designed for couples. Melt surrounds the clitoris with pulsating waves and gentle suction, while the curved design fits perfectly between 2 bodies in any position.

Melt uses subtle changes in air pressure to gently massage the clitoris, without actually touching it, which helps to avoid numbing and overstimulation. It has 12 levels of intensities that feel like gentle kisses to stronger suction.

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External vibration

Now, this is where you can really extend the value of your purchase. There are external vibrators that can be used all over your body and some that have attachments to adapt the massager for internal play.

Moderate vibration

If you are someone who has difficulty tolerating the feeling of vibration in your hands and forearms then the Ultra Wand by Femme Funn may suit you. Purely for external use only, the power of the vibration is concentrated in the head of the unit, not in the wand.

Vibrators for your handbag and purse

We don’t sell guns at The Spicy Boudoir but we still sell bullets. Compact, discreet but still packing a punch where you need it.

I recommend bullets that attach to your fingers, that way you can concentrate on your pleasure and not worry about losing it amongst the sheets – they can get very slippery!

Tips for before and after pleasure

Lube, glorious lube!

If you, like me, are in the thick of menopause you will need to take care of the health of your vulva and vagina and use quality lubrication during your play.

I recommend and use products by Sutil (organically sourced) and Pjur (medical grade) and Happy Pause Menopause balm.

Products can be cleaned using one of the many cleaning products (Pjur is a quality brand) or if none is available at the time of your play then hot water and soap until you can spray with an anti-bacterial.

Squirting during play

Every woman has the ability to experience female ejaculation during sexual activity. It is an experience quite like no other and requires specialist equipment to protect your furnishings.  We say, ‘don’t use a daggy old towel’ invest in a quality blanket that will add to your decor and protect your bed, lounge or favourite rug…wherever you are having fun!  The Decor Fascinator by Liberator is plush, soft to touch and moisture-proof.  Perfect as a throw across the bed during a getaway.

My last advice to you. “Sex is as natural as the air we breathe, there is no need to choke on it!

Please do not feel any shame exploring your body, your sexuality and your fantasies. If you find it difficult to deal with shame and stigma I urge you to reach out to a Sexologist. 

If ever you need assistance to choose a pleasure device or have questions about sexuality please do not hesitate to contact me: themaven@thespicyboudoir.com

Here’s to your joy and sexual empowerment!

Susan Jarvis

Susan Jarvis is a positive sex and body positivity advocate and is the owner of The Spicy Boudoir, an online sexual health and wellness store to celebrate the sexuality of people living with disability and for people aged over 50. Susan is also the host of podcast The Maven’s Private Diaries.