Pieces of Me - A #MeToo Story
Trigger Warning: Rape, Trauma, recovery.
2019 marked the 20-year anniversary of my Gap Year adventure. 1999. I had recently completed high school, Cher was singing her way through another comeback, Shania Twain was difficult to impress and the Backstreet Boys had us all doing the thriller dance again.
Travelling with the youth group I had been involved with for 8 years, we were to spend ten months in Israel, teaching English, working on kibbutz (commune) and contributing to our local communities. All the while learning about our own personal, familial and cultural histories.
The vast majority of my memories from 1999 are wonderful. I fell in love for the first time. I lived long enough in Jerusalem to catch myself out having moments of complacency in the Old City only to pull myself back into awe and gratitude for my circumstances. I met innumerable beautiful souls from all walks of life, met distant relatives and had profound realisations on my own journey of self-discovery.
But it is not all puppies and sunshine when I reflect on 1999. You see it is also the year I lost my virginity to a rape. I only admitted to myself in 2017 that is what occurred that night. I spent eighteen years in denial, explaining it away. Using many other terms but the ‘r’ word. I didn’t want to admit that I had ‘let that happen’.
I was intoxicated and ‘high’, certainly not in a position to consent. I honestly cannot recall if I said ‘no’.
“Does it still count?” I asked myself this question often over the following eighteen years. The answer becomes clear when I consider the possibility of a similar event afflicting my now twenty-year-old stepdaughter. “Of course it does.”
I can’t honestly recall what I was wearing.
I remember it hurt. I remember feeling betrayed and ashamed. I stayed ashamed for 19 years. I am no longer. I blamed myself. I justified the behaviour. I made excuses. I didn’t say NO out loud or loud enough. I decided to drink and take drugs. I didn’t want to be labelled a virgin anymore. I wanted to have sex with this person.
I didn’t want to be raped, lying on my front. I didn’t want to be kicked out of his room when I finally got out of the bathroom to find him playing Xbox. I didn’t want to be broken up with a few days later. I didn’t want to make almost a decade of poor decisions about sexual partners and how I deserved to be treated. I certainly didn’t want to be called a slut for seeking comfort in someone else’s arms a week after I was raped. In one week, I went from ’Virgin’ to ‘Slut’.
Before that incident and many times after I have been whistled at, had men help themselves to handfuls of my anatomy, been subject to workplace sexual harassment, been taken advantage of by workmates, mostly in positions of authority to me.
I write today, not for sympathy. In fact, my reluctance to join the ranks of ‘rape victim’ or ‘rape survivor’ contributed to my push back in accepting my past.
I write today as evidence of healing. As, if I may be so bold, inspiration or hope that we can overcome. Not just ‘survive’ but ‘thrive’.
This rape is not the only trauma I have experienced in my life. In an ‘all too common’ tale, I was raped again in my early twenties by two men after being drugged. I have very patchy, dissociated memories of this event.
I then went into over a decade long career in Ambulance, you can no doubt imagine the trauma I both experienced directly and witnessed in uniform. This is not a ‘woe is me’ story. Mine is a story of resilience, strength and hope. I often refer to myself as a substandard boxer with a big heart. I take the hits and sometimes I lay winded on the mat longer than other times, but I always, always get up again.
You too have an inner boxer. Sometimes you see the punch coming, other times they blindside you. You too can get up.
A Facebook friend of mine whom I don’t know in real life, has taken objection to the ‘#metoo’ campaign, concerned it diminishes the horrific nature of rape and sexual assault when ‘lumped in with’ (their words) apparently lower grade harassment such as cat calling, having someone push their erect penis against you, or verbal abuse.
In my eyes, they have missed the point. This is not about lowering the importance or diminishing the severity of rape and serious sexual assault, it is about raising the importance and severity of any sexual harassment, abuse or assault. It’s about tearing down the boundaries between perceived levels of these behaviours and standing up and shouting IT’S ALL UNACCEPTABLE. This is not an excuse to create divisions, this is not an opportunity to race to the bottom and compare trauma. This is not a time to spout ‘Well, it could have been worse’, to those brave enough to speak out. This is a moment in time for the society that we make up to say, “This is unacceptable!” Whether it’s a wolf whistle, a pinch on the bum, unwanted touching, rape or someone been killed by their partner. This is not acceptable.
This is less an issue of sexual boundaries and more one of trust, respect, fear and safety. If we build a society based on respect, loving kindness and compassionately supporting everyone’s right to feel safe at all times, at all ages we can flood the world with the way we want to live rather than focus on what we don’t want.
What was essential in my recovery, or whatever is the opposite of living on the couch in your pyjamas, was Mindset Training.
Rewiring my brain to look for joy, success triumph and happiness rather than the dark misery I felt trapped in. Moving from victim to victor mindset changed everything. I won’t lie to you and say it was easy but it was simpler than anticipated. When I look at my success in my career, my business and most importantly to me, my relationships with my family, I guarantee you, it’s worth it.
So, #metoo. I have accepted what happened to me. I choose how I let it affect me. I have the power to forgive, heal and be stronger for it.
My life is dedicated to helping others heal. If this has raised issues for you that you would like to discuss with me, please get in touch or contact your local Centre Against Sexual Assault and speak to someone there.
Every day I make the world the place I want it to be. The standard of behaviour you accept is the standard of behaviour you encourage.
Help Lines
If you have experienced sexual assault or sexual harassment and feel you would like to speak to someone for support or information, 1800RESPECT (Phone: 1800 737 732) can provide counselling 24-hours a day, 7 days a week.
If you are feeling unsafe right now, in Australia call 000.
ACT - Canberra Rape Crisis Centre
02 6247 2525
1800 737 732
NSW - NSW Health Sexual Assult Services